The older I get the more I realize how many subconscious triggers are dwelling within me. For the longest time I felt that because I consciously made certain decisions about how I responded to situations that that meant all of my actions were conscious, but I am beginning to suspect that isn’t so. A good example is the one I used in a previous blog when I said that I taught myself to not have too many expectations after I felt severe disappointment when I mistook a vacuum cleaner salesman for my dad. All in all I’d say that not holding people responsible for our expectations and stories is good advice, but I am beginning to think that something like not having expectations can be taken too far. And if that is the case, I can honestly say that I don’t know what to do about it yet. I actually enjoy my ability to drop my expectations of people. But I find that some people want you to have expectations of them. And if you don’t, it can be interpreted as a lack of caring. So what is a brick wall to do? Well, the only thing I can think of is to do my best to add a little fun to my dysfunction–perhaps play hide and seek with my neurosis. I don’t know. But here are a few things that have come to my mind.
In reference to a mutual acquaintance, my good friend once said, “That girl doesn’t have issues. She has subscriptions.” I cracked up laughing when I heard it, but would I think it was just as funny if someone said the same thing about me? Well, that’s the goal and I think I can pull it off. I remember when I was in Basic Military Training and we were all doing push ups. I was laughing my derriere off when some of my fellow airman fell down in piles after exhausting themselves on this exercise course. We were ending with some push ups and these guys were on the ground pushing with all of their might. But no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get up. They just lied there on the ground squirming. I got yelled at for laughing, but still I had this big grin on my face. No wonder my nickname was Smiley. Anyway, somebody called me a name and said I wouldn’t think it was so funny when it was my turn. But it turned out they were wrong. I thought it was just as funny for me to be a squirmy lump on the ground as it was to watch them. It may have even been funnier, because I was flat out laughing as I was trying to lift my head and failing like I was a two week old baby. It was a ridiculous scene. My TI didn’t know what to do with me.
All that to say that if I could laugh at myself then, I can laugh at myself now. I have a few things going for me, but clearly I don’t have it all figured out. And who does? As I like to point out to people who fall for that idea that we are all supposed to put on a fake perfect face to the world, “Uhh even Jesus had scars, so get over it”. I mean no disrespect to Jesus at all. I’m just stating what the Bible says. If people can believe he was healed from the dead and yet still came back with the scars and wounds that proved he was who he said he was, why can’t we be healed or be in the process of healing while simultaneously being a little beat up? Good question right?
Anyway, in my efforts to not let anything hold me down too long, I am playing this new game with myself called “Pin the Tail on the Psychosis”. I spin in circles and then run around blind trying to find out what’s up with me. It’s really fun and I can’t lose. No matter where I stick the pin I always land on something. “Why don’t I like the color teal you ask?” Because I once liked this girl and tried to impress her with my teal and purple shirt that I picked out myself from the Goodwill. Unfortunately the shirt collar had the initials of another kid in school who pointed out that it was once his shirt so the girl avoided me like I had the cooties. See it’s easy. Wanna play? I can show you how. And if for some reason you’re having trouble figuring out what’s wrong with you, don’t worry. There’s another version of the game called “Project the Tail on the Psychosis”. All you need is one other person who feels close enough to you to share their feelings with you. In no time, they will be able to tell you everything that is wrong with you. Hey, you can’t hog all of the fun. To get the most out of dysfunction you need to enlist a team. You might even want a fantasy team made up of all of the people in the tabloids. I got dibs on the Kardashians. OK OK OK. Maybe I’m taking this a little far. I doubt any of our issues or subscriptions are as important as famous people’s. Our problem is that we don’t have their lives. But they have to live with the fear that if they don’t stay relevant they may end up with our lives. Talk about scary. That’s enough to drive anyone crazy.
So what’s the point to this rant? Well, I don’t need one. The blog is called Seriously Tripping. But if you need a point, it is this: “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” I almost forgot that recently. But by the grace of God, a good friend helped me remember me. And me is a child of infinite creativity undefinable by any moment and always capable to take the raw materials of life to create any experience I choose. I made the mistake of reading too much and started feeling trapped by some definitions I encountered. I took a way at looking at a situation as “the Way” at looking at it. But the fact is how we see things is a choice–even our so called dysfunctions. So, the next time you catch yourself accepting a limiting story of who you are realize that if you do so, it is a choice. And if you can’t talk yourself out of it find someone or pay someone who can.
Peace.
Seriously Tripping Through Life 