Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome

I’m sure most of you have heard the saying, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”  I know it was something I told myself many times in my life and it is advice that I used to offer up to others who I thought could handle it.  However, what I found, was that many people did not really want to hear that while they were still feeling the sting of whatever wounded them. I once had a person tell me just how much they hated it when people said that.  In his opinion, a more accurate statement was “What doesn’t kill you messes you up so bad that you sometimes wish that it did kill you.” Now at the time, I would have been more inclined to try and talk him out of that belief as a rule.  But as I got older and engaged with more and more wounded people, I came to understand why that, now cliche, response to other people’s pain doesn’t really have the effect it once had.  When it seems like life is throwing one thing at you after the other and all you can throw back are cliches, giving in and tuning out can seem like the best strategy for avoiding the pain of disappointment. Still, I do not recommend that people throw in the towel.  I recommend getting back in there, because as they taught in the class I recently experienced, you can either be on the winning teaming or the learning team, but no one has to lose. That is something I try to share every way I can.  I love sharing with people other possibilities for how we can engage our experiences. I grab on to metaphors like like a climber looking for holds on a rock face.   That’s why I am so excited to share the concept of “going Hydra” with you.

 

Five heads are better than one.

Going Hydra is a concept that Marshall shared with us in the Money and You program I recently attended.  Essentially, the concept comes down to the idea conceptualized in the mythical dragon known as the Hydra–a creature that would grow another head every time one was cut off.  What powerful imagery. Imagine how the Hydra must feel when some would be hero comes to chop off its head.  If I were an actual hydra I would just laugh my head off when some armored person came at me swinging a sword trying to take me out. And guess what, I would have even more heads.  My attitude would probably be something like, “Cut off my head.  I want you to.”

All joking aside, this concept is powerful and is beyond the idea of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  For one thing, the hydra knows in advance that it never has to worry about losing its head. Never.  What would it be like if we all lived our lives with the absolute knowing that we couldn’t lose.  I imagine if more of us lived from that space, then our lives would be consistently primed for growth.  Which leads us to the idea mentioned in the title–Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome. Now, I googled PTGS, and it is not a foreign concept.  Even though the first time I ever heard of it expressed that way was in Marshall’s class,  the concept has always been around.  In fact for those of us who work out, we experience it every time we go to the gym.  In fact, seen a certain way, it is why we go the gym in the first place.  Working out is nothing less than growing through struggling.  The only difference is that it is controlled, so it gives us the psychological boost of knowing that we can stop the struggling whenever we desire to.  But that is exactly why the idea of “Going Hydra” is so powerful.  If one goes Hydra, that is accepts as fact that they can grow from every challenge, then much of our day to day struggles would instantly transform into opportunities.

As I mentioned in the video above on my way home from the program, it was literally one thing after the other that was coming at me.  Now of course these things are relatively small when you look at what some people are experiencing–such as the floods in CO, where the course was held.  But think about how often it is the little things that take us over the edge.  What if we could just look at those little nuisances as opportunities to grow a little at a time?  How awesome would it be to not be phased by the little things that get us like people taking your parking spot, our food coming to us cold, or someone being late. What if they were all just practice for the big game of life.  Then all of a sudden those little nuisances become little sparks of grace.  A little change of perspective goes a long way.  Who knows, soon you may find yourself looking forward to those little things that actually can help us become better bit by bit.

WARNING–The above concepts aren’t to say that anyone should get all sadomasochist and start looking for painful situations and/or inflicting them on others in the name of helping them to grow.  This is just about taking the inconveniences in life and turning them into opportunities.  Like Bill Allen, Marshall’s teaching partner says, the road to success is paved with inconvenience. And as David Neenan, the other co-facilitator taught, failure is a prerequisite for innovation.

 

Magnificence is our birthright!

Dear Money, (Money and Me)

Dear Money,

First of all I just want to thank you for always showing up when I need you. Ever since I went out on my own, I have never really had to chase you down or beg for you.  I have always been able to pay my bills and do some of the things  I enjoy because you were always near.  Even when other people tried to get between us, we still managed to fix things.  I respect you and I know that no matter what people say about you ultimately you aren’t bad.  That’s why it is hard for me to listen to people tell lies about you.  They say you think you are God or that you prostitute yourself.  They say you put yourself out there in a negative way and cause people to fight over you, but I know it is not the truth.  The more accurate thing is that you are often kidnapped and violated by people who don’t understand you.  They think that you are playing hard to get and so they come after you aggressively with the intent to dominate you.  The truth is that you are nothing like that.  But people treat you like a trophy and don’t respect you.  I know that you want nothing more than to be a part of honest relationships that are based on mutual respect and not on low self esteem, lies, and manipulation.  I know that you just want to be expressed at the highest ideal.  I also know that you are abundant.  You are not in short supply.  You flow like a might river, but people who fear lack dam you up and cut off your tributaries.  There are places that you want to go, but they want to regulate you because they think they can control others by controlling you.  It is really sad.  That’s why I don’t get into those types of conversations with people.

All they see is dollar signs.

When people treat you like you are just and end in itself I get uncomfortable.  I feel the same type of discomfort that I would feel if I heard someone telling me how they only cared about one thing in their relationship with another human being.  What is the difference between only seeing dollars signs when they think of what they would do to get to you and only looking at a person’s physical attributes when they try to get in a relationship with them?  I don’t see much of a difference.  Of course this not to say that this type of attraction is in and of itself distasteful.  I don’t think that.   Attractions exist for a reason too.  It is just that it is not the end all be all.  For example, if I wanted to go on a trip that costs $1700 and then I found a writing gig that paid $1700 of course I would get excited about the dollars signs.  But if someone told me that I could make $1700 by robbing someone or selling a faulty product to some unsuspecting person, then I cannot let the dollar signs cause me to go that route.  Money, I know you know what I mean and I trust that you would not like for me to go that route because I believe you hate being used that way.  What I believe is that you love it when we do honest work that provides honest value to people who appreciate what we offer.  And I believe that you help encourage us by showing up very easily when we are in the flow.  That has been my experience with you and that is what I will continue to trust.  I hope you don’t prove me wrong.

As you know, I am taking this class this weekend called Money and You with Marshall Thurber.  Part of the reason that I am taking this class is because when I asked Marshall some advice on how I could better monetize my talents so that I could do more of what I love, he told me to come to his class.  The other part is because even though you and I have a respectable relationship, it could be better.  We can play more.  We could have more fun if we spent more time together.  I know that. I want to take our relationship to the next level. What I’m hoping is that at this class I will be surrounded by people who really know how to treat you.  People who understand how I feel about you.  You know how it is when you are considering getting into a committed relationship, but everyone else seems to be so miserable in theirs that you just hold off declaring that commitment.  That’s where I am.  But I don’t think it has to be that way.  You’ve been good to me.  You’ve treated me fairly. Even when I was selling cars you were there for me making sure that I could pay all of my bills in advance just in case later months were lean.  I don’t care about what other people say or how they use you.  I’m going to do good by you.  Let’s be full partners.  I won’t simply use you and I don’t expect to be used by you.  I know that we’ve done a lot of good together.  Let’s do more.

Respectfully,

Pedro S. Silva II